"Following a crackdown by UK Police on people using mobile phones while driving, almost 8,000 drivers have been revealed as being utterly, utterly stupid.
The drivers, a large proportion of which had gormless expressions and looked like the kind of people you wouldn't want to talk to anyway, persisted in using their phones while driving, oblivious to the fact that other people, like the police, for example, could totally, like, see them doing it.
In many cases, drivers holding phones to their ears were caught doing so while driving cars with actual built-in Bluetooth phone connections. Technology is claimed to allow you to use your 'phone while driving, with a reduced risk of causing an horrific accident.
Chigwell mum of three, Orphelia Gavisgon was outraged to be caught by Essex Police. She told the press "I mean, it's totally unrealistic. When have I, a busy mother of three, got time to get the children dressed, fit the kiddie seats yet still have time to pair my 'phone with the car?"
Ms Gavisgon, who had plenty of time to sit for her various tattoos, her manicure and her impeccably styled hair, represents many drivers who are concerned that being safe is just too damn time consuming. A leading technology expert has confirmed that pairing a mobile phone to a car Bluetooth system can, in some cases, take several seconds, time that can sometimes delay a busy driver's journey by several hundred feet.
A police spokesman said: "Basically, your best bet is to assume that every other road user is completely stupid until they prove otherwise", before sighing deeply and cradling his head with his hands.
Amelia Kind, a leading mental heath expert, commented that further help should be offered to persistent offenders: "It's pretty clear that something need to be done to help these people. You and I are fully aware that using our phone behind the wheel will cost us £60 and three points. But these unfortunate drivers have absolutely no idea."
"...it could be a sign that they struggle to comprehend other simple concepts, like opening a door before walking through it, or opening their mouth before inserting a Chicken Zinger Tower burger with extra cheese. And a Diet Coke."
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